Come in
As I mature, contemplation of life becomes a familiar muse. Childhood memories echo with grand thoughts, vivid and broad. My reflections often wander into the realm of fantasy, envisioning lives I've never known as if they were my own. Whether pondering another's wealth or the warmth of a mother's love, the canvas of possibilities has always found space in my mind.
In moments of introspection, my heart bears the weight of my past. Amidst the chaos and uncertainty of my upbringing, a silver lining emerged, a creative curiosity and a penchant for elaborate and detailed daydreams. This came at a cost, transforming into a form of escapism when life's challenges arose. Seeking solace and peace, I would retreat. I'd imagine a life different from my own, even spanning different eras. Characters on screen became my companions, sparking reflections on what life could have been (think) Voltron's resilience in my youth or the allure of James Bond's sophistication in later years.
Yet, the echoes of yearning for a mother’s embrace or the love I craved persisted, coloring my thoughts with a stained hue.
The theme of loss persisted in my life. Growing up, fantasy remained a loyal companion, intertwined with avoidance and deep contemplation of my experiences. Within the realms of imagination, pleasure unfolded, a strong contrast to the pain I carried, even as I buried it beneath suppression and avoidance.
Fantasy, a fleeting companion in my solitude, provided some solace, yet the emptiness, loneliness, and pain endured. Mental anguish echoed, emotions held at a distance, and relationships existed in isolation.
As I matured, pleasure mixed with the pursuit of sex, intimacy, and adoration became a compelling escape from the unresolved trauma, pain, and wounds within. Women's validation and the allure of being wanted formed a complex algorithm, weaving my moods into their stories. This became an addiction, a compulsion, a way to avoid facing the harsh reality within. For a while, reflection and contemplation took a back seat as I steered clear of confronting the necessary introspection.
Today, my life is different as I learn how to nurture myself.
