Where is God when you need him most? Where is God when we all need him? Is he looking down on us all pulling the strings of life and the universe? Is he mad, sad, happy when we please him as he asks us to do in the Bible? Why did he start the earth when he did? How does someone who is born with a life-threatening disease feel the love of God? I have questions.

When I was 15 years old I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior at a summer camp for youth. It was a gorgeous afternoon on Lake Okeechobee just around the corner from Orlando, FL. The afternoon was perfectly set up. The youth pastor was calling everyone and anyone who wanted to claim Jesus Christ as the one and only god (aka my personal savior) and this skinny, tall, 15-year-old kid felt the Holy Spirit calling him to raise his hand and take the faithful leap. I did.

The worship team or church band was getting louder and the call for the Lord was following right behind the band, the pastor pulling and pushing to get everyone to raise their hands to accept and repent. The energy of the room was electric, people crying and visibly shook from the calling of the Lord and if you told me or anyone else in that space that God is a lie we would have cast you into the fiery throes of Hell ourselves. In today's terms, the place was 100% lit. Get this visual: 200 middle and high school students between the ages of 13 and 18 all being led by a few pastors telling us that this was the only choice.

The band used one of its perfectly timed pauses, the pastor cut back in and thanked us all for making the right and only choice that will give us eternal life. He also asked those who raised their (our) hands to come up to the front of the church and said that someone was going to pray for us outside, in private. Most of us were shy and really didn’t want to be singled out in front of everyone but we did what was asked. We walked to the front of the room and then walked outside with one of the prayer warriors.

A perfectly matched youth pastor (you know, like when you go to the car dealership to purchase a car type matching) and I walked outside, the afternoon was turning into dusk. We sat on a bench close to the lake where the prayer warrior (aka youth pastor) started asking me questions such as how sure I was that I wanted to claim God as my personal savior and other questions. It was actually a perfect spin selling tactic which you can read about in Neil Rackham’s book titled “Spin Selling” (I’ve read it later on in my life) to see what I am referring to. It works.

“Yes!” I said emphatically with tears in my eyes. I didn't want him questioning me in my vulnerable state any more than he already was, so we bowed our heads and prayed. It was one of those moments where I felt closest to God. The feeling closer to God feeling has happened three other times in my life (to find out the other moments you will have to read the rest)...

The rest of the week was a mix of more swimming and praying and eating and learning more about my new found savior, making strong connections with others who were in my same place and experiencing the same things. I am sure that many of them had the same questions that were going through my head. I will always remember the last day of camp, nobody was really looking forward to it and it was evident that the camp leadership knew what to expect. We could see it on their faces Everyone was crying. We had built some strong connections and made some friendships that we were being cut away from due to the camp ending. (The summer camp was made up of many different churches in the state so not all of us were from the same city or area). So yes, the new friendship bonds were strong even though we were only together for a couple of weeks. Nevertheless, the state that we were thrown into made those friendships and connections real, plus we were impressionable 15-year-old kids. So we were torn at the fact that we were now leaving our friends behind. Or was it that we knew the Christian bubble and army of prayer warriors was not going to be around to shelter us from the world and two weeks was not enough to arm us with the right tool to fight MTV or Satan himself? Whatever it was, the tears were flowing on us all.

Our parents came to pick us up and I can only imagine how they felt after seeing how grateful, humble, and vulnerable we were after experiencing The Sterling Road Baptist Church Summer Camp. I am sure they felt and feel they made the right choice by having us attend this Christian summer camp. But what was to come from this? Was I supposed to feel differently? Would I no longer have the capacity to say fuck or shit or even worse (fill in the blank)? Was I going to think different thoughts? What was supposed to happen? Our parents’ hugs were no match for what we were going to experience outside of the camp or church or religion.

Fast forward a few years and important life lessons, a couple of broken hearts, a divorce and whatnot, I look at myself in the mirror and ask, where is God? I listen to the news media and watch the atrocities globally done in the name of God and ask, “Where is he?” I listen to the Donald saying “God Bless America” and think to myself, that that is not the most representative figure to repeat those words since it is obvious that he has no clue what God is.

Since summer camp, I have been on a journey to try to understand why we as humans need to connect, identify, and think that someone is going to save us from ourselves or other groups of people, which is why I ask and have questions. But now that I have a lot more life experience, I can come to some of those conclusions on my own and don’t need a prayer warrior to convince me otherwise. Other questions are still unanswered and the more I listen and experience the more questions I have. Please don’t take this as a sophisticated verbal algorithm of the universe and God, I simply write to express myself and have most recently found a sort of solace and therapeutic aspect to my writings. If you have ever met me or know me, you know I am all about the human connection. Understanding why we think what we think, why we fear to be alone, and what makes us react certain ways, so I am naturally inquisitive and always learning. I started digging into the world of religion. I have questions.

Despite what the news media shows us about some secular religions or whatever religion, the United States of America is at war with this topic and it is super duper complicated; so complicated that my novice experience with religion is not worthy of actually explaining it even after my travels to over 60 countries around the world.

Islam, Christianity, and other religions - I feel that we are all after the same universal force of nature that may or may not be humanly explainable. Religion fucks the whole party up when it peeks its head in our spiritual relationships; it complicates things for us all.

Allow me to ask some superficial questions. The first one is, how is religion different than a cult or group of people all believing and driving towards the same thing - forgiveness and acceptance? Followed by, how is the Catholic church, the largest landowner in the world, able to pay for the coverup of all of their horrible sexual misconduct and abuse of people who are not able to defend themselves? How is the Mormon church so wrong and does the US government allow it to flourish because it is just as organized as the Christian church? Why does Scientology seem like one of the biggest scams around even though they are growing in double digits? These are some of the obvious and basic questions that come to mind around some of the more mainstream religions but then I started looking at the not-so-obvious groups that some people call cults such as The Family. Hang on to your Bible on this one.

The Family teaches an eclectic mixture of Christianity and Hinduism with other Eastern and Western religions on the principle that spiritual truths are universal. The children studied the major scriptures of these religions and also the works of fashionable gurus including Sri Chinmoy, Meher Baba, and Rajneesh. The group has an inner circle who justify their actions by their claim to be reincarnations of the Apostles of Jesus.

The basis of The Family's philosophy was that Anne Hamilton-Byrne was the reincarnation of Jesus Christ and a living god. Jesus was said to be a great master who came down to Earth, and the group believed that Buddha and Krishna were other enlightened beings who similarly came down to help humanity. Hamilton-Byrne was regarded as being in the same category as these teachers. One adopted daughter, Sarah Hamilton-Byrne, later described the group's beliefs as a "hotch-potch" of Christianity and Eastern mysticism.

Yes, it is a little different from what we know and believe Jesus is or God is so that is an easy distinction. That is until you dig a little further and start to understand them. The Family also teaches and believes that those who want to please God must do it through sexual acts no matter what your age is, so families use children, thy neighbor, and anyone they want for sexual pleasure and they believe that is how their God is pleased which is not only sad but absolutely reprehensible in my opinion. There is a well-done documentary titled Children of God by John Smithson where you can learn about them. I encourage you to watch it.

Another interesting religion is one by the leader known as Osho

Rajneesh (born Chandra Mohan Jain, 11 December 1931 – 19 January 1990), also known as Acharya Rajneesh, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, and latterly as Osho, was an Indian godman and leader of the Rajneesh movement. During his lifetime he was viewed as a controversial new religious movement leader and mystic. In the 1960s he traveled throughout India as a public speaker and was a vocal critic of socialism, arguing that India was not ready for socialism and that socialism, communism, and anarchism could evolve only when capitalism had reached its maturity. Rajneesh also criticized Mahatma Gandhi and Hindu religious orthodoxy. Rajneesh emphasized the importance of meditation, mindfulness, love, celebration, courage, creativity, and humour—qualities that he viewed as being suppressed by adherence to static belief systems, religious tradition, and socialization. In advocating a more open attitude to human sexuality, he caused controversy in India during the late 1960s and became known as "the sex guru" (look him up and you will be amazed). He also had an army of gold Rolls-Royces at his disposal and some very interesting parties where the leaders became close, if you get my drift. They moved from India to a city in Oregon and that is where it gets real. You can watch a very good documentary titled Wild Wild Country by Juliana Lembi and you’re welcome about this one. They all seem to have similar characteristics after you start learning more about them and their leaders.

So I ponder, those groups/religions or cults (whatever you want to call them) all use a similar tactic to what my prayer warrior used on me: tell people that there is only one God and make them follow him purely out of fear of missing out on his blessings. Fear-based preaching is a powerful selling tool that all of those in power use. Study a presidential election to see how they are similar.

Let me slow down, I don’t want you to think I am some devil-loving man or staunch atheist who believes in the big bang theory, so let's just bring it home and look at the good, safe, and honest religion of Christianity. I mean it is the religion that the US of A was founded on (you know, the God Bless America thing). I am amazed at how ingrained the Christian religion is in our society and they get us acclimated to think this is the real and only one from a very early age. I was entertained by a story that broke last week in the news about an American missionary in India who was killed when he was trying to bring the word of God to a very remote island in India called North Sentinel Island. John Allen Chau, 26, was shot dead with arrows when he went to the remote North Sentinel Island last week. The island is a place and people so remote that the Indian government prohibits anyone from visiting it for fear of death. The group has been known for killing anyone who tries to gain access to them and the Indian government prohibits outsiders from approaching this island. It is one of the most remote and secluded places on earth and for good reason. Well, as you guessed it, the Christian missionary basically trespassed and tried to access this group and was killed by bow and arrow and now some in the Christian church want the Indian government to prosecute the Sentinel people. It seems very reminiscent of the good ol’pilgrim and Native American Indian story we were told in elementary school (Happy Thanksgiving). In full transparency, the family of the deceased man does not want the church to prosecute them but I think it goes to show how Christianity is more similar to a cult than you may think: “You mess with what we believe in and we will get you”. You can read about this more here: (LINK). In my very novice and superficial opinion, prosecuting a people for his death is not a Godly thing to do, especially when he knew that it was taking his life in his own hands.

A different example of the Christian religion is the story of Ted Haggard. Haggard made national headlines in November 2006 when male prostitute and masseur, Mike Jones, alleged that Haggard, who had advocated against the legalization of same-sex marriage, had paid him for sex for three years and had also purchased and used crystal methamphetamine. After initially denying the allegations, Haggard claimed to have purchased methamphetamine and thrown it away without using it. Haggard resigned his post at New Life Church and his other leadership roles shortly after the allegations became public. Later, Haggard admitted to having used drugs, participating in some sexual activity with Jones, and engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a young man who attended New Life Church. Haggard was the founder and former pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado and is a founder of the Association of Life-Giving Churches. He served as President of the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) from 2003 until November 2006 before being booted and exiled from the Church. You can watch an interesting documentary made from Ted’s life titled The Trials of Ted Haggard. Ok, maybe he should not have purchased Meth, but it was a huge scandal for the Christian church given that being gay or bisexual is not something that religion condones. In my opinion, kicking someone out of your group is not a very Godly thing to do.

I want to highlight, I saw and met Ted at what was his former church in Colorado Springs, Co. I used to call it going to the rock concert because it was such a grand worship service. I even saw one of my favorite Christian singers there, Kari Jobe, and it was an amazing experience. I’ve also been to other mega churches and am an avid listener of Joel Osteen’s weekly podcast.

In the last couple of years, I have had a stop-start relationship with the Christian religion as we know it today because of the hypocritical and damaging ways it imposes its doctrines and beliefs upon us from a very early age. During these times, my personal relationship and hunger for the personal relationship with the Universe and a higher power is stronger than ever and so is my fear of what religion or cults around the world do to humans who are so easily persuaded. During my readings, watchings, and learnings, they have more in common with what we know of cults than not and for anyone to argue that includes my entire family who live and will die by the word of God and I love them for that.

The church that I assumed was the right church is known for just as many crimes and uncomfortable situations as any of the rest of them. The God that I learned about was a God of love and forgiveness not a God of exile and condemnation. The God I know is one that would forgive, love, and not put religion at the forefront of following him. I have been diving into the world of religions and spirituality and I will continue to follow my God who somewhere, somehow I hope to meet, and leave the religion and the dangerous skeleton of the church behind.

Images and videos of churches from around the world.

Milan Cathedral (Duomo di Milano Italian) The cathedral took nearly six centuries to complete. It is the largest church in Italy (the larger St. Peter's Basilica is in the State of Vatican City), the third largest in Europe and the fourth largest in the world.

The Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe (Basílica de Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe) is a Roman Catholic church, basilica, and National shrine of Mexico in the north of Mexico City which houses the cloak containing the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe. The 1709 shrine was built near the hill of Tepeyac, where the Virgin Mary is believed to have appeared to Saint Juan Diego Cuauhtlatoatzin. The basilica structure which now contains Diego's cloak was completed in 1974.

The Aztecs were a Mesoamerican culture that flourished in central Mexico in the post-classic period from 1300 to 1521. The Aztec peoples included different ethnic groups of central Mexico, particularly those groups who spoke the Nahuatl language and who dominated large parts of Mesoamerica from the 14th to the 16th centuries. Aztec culture was organized into city-states, some of which joined to form alliances, political confederations, or empires. The Aztec empire was a confederation of three city-states established in 1427, Tenochtitlan, city-state of the Mexica or Tenochca; Texcoco; and Tlacopan, previously part of the Tepanec empire, whose dominant power was Azcapotzalco. Although the term Aztecs is often narrowly restricted to the Mexica of Tenochtitlan, it is also broadly used to refer to Nahua polities or peoples of central Mexico in the prehispanic era, as well as the Spanish colonial era (1521–1821). The definitions of Aztec and Aztecs have long been the topic of scholarly discussion, ever since German scientist Alexander von Humboldt established its common usage in the early nineteenth century.

All videos and images were taken by Alberto Marzan and shot on an iPhone. Used Wikipedia for Ted Haggard, Osho and The Family copy.