Oh Jay
Are we so jaded that when someone is showing us who they unapologetically are we immediately judge them? I think so many of us walk that fine line of disconnecting and staying connected at all times that assumptions become reality far too frequently. I know I have.
Many of us have seen or heard of the transformation our ol’ friend Jigga (a.k.a. self professed drug dealer, cheater, that dude from Roc Nation) has gone through recently. A few months ago in Los Angeles a friend asked, “have you seen the David Letterman - Jay Z interview yet? You need to hear this if you haven't”. Between me doubting that it would either be as good as they said it was or that I had seen this Hollywood story before (someone gets caught in the act, says they are sorry and that they have changed, to only being sorry for getting caught, looking like a chump and not actually being remorseful for the damage they caused), I really wasn't interested in hearing from the man who brought us “Jigga that Ni**a”, a “Hard Knock Life” and others apologizing for his “mistakes” (and I use that word very intentionally).
So I went in…
I started watching. The setup and approach were as basic as flower dresses at Coachella. Nonetheless, I went in and started the judgment session. I remember saying to myself, “oh what, is he growing his hair out” and “why is he speaking so slow” and “why…why” was my approach. I powered through it, heard it, listened, but wasn't hearing him or his message, his confessions, and, more importantly, his growth. Let me frame this; it happened about four or five months ago when we were all getting bombarded by the Jay and Bae memes (which are amazing, btw). I tried to ignore them, but one day I decided to purchase and listen to his most recent album titled 444. I watched the videos, I listened, and this time it was a little different. I heard a line in the album that said “Because I fall short of what I say I’m all about”. That impacted me. Because I was so quick to judge and assume that his life is unreal and not human, I started unfairly judging him (like I am someone who can judge based on my experience). I was so engulfed and clouded by all of this noise that I could not see what was actually going on. I could not hear what he, Mr. Shawn Carter, the millionaire investor, the father, husband, human, king, was yelling at me in his slow and methodical tone of voice. It was mind blowing to see and hear growth in the way he was expressing it.
If any of you know me, you know that I look at music in a deep and personal way, as an art form that I could touch. This time, after I approached it differently, I started listening to Jay with an open heart as opposed to a closed one. What I was seeing was one of the most respectful and human displays of growth I had ever witnessed. Jay was actually growing right in front of our eyes and the Carters were allowing us to watch this live. I think the respectful part for me was that we never heard about him or them going through with therapy (which I think every adult needs) and we didn’t hear about him having “sex issues” (because that is a slippery road). They went through the hard part on their own, they faced those challenges as humans, adults and what we see now is them on the other side of it all. I encourage you to listen to this podcast from one of my favorite therapists, Esther Perel. She is amazing. I hope you enjoy it and find it useful. LINK.
Not sorry:
What I was seeing was Jay working through the real challenges that he was faced with and trying to figure out where his moral compass got lost (FYI, I’ve been right at that same spot. Read this one so you can see what I mean).
He was not sorry for getting caught; he was sorry for how he hurt her. Why? Because she let him see her pain, which no breathing man ever wants to see from his woman even after he fucks up.
He was not sorry for being classified as a “cheater” because cheating was something he did and it did not define the man he is. I think that as we grow up and amass wins and losses, as we make mistakes and recuperate from them, it connects us in special ways. The fact that he cheated is horrible, but what I identified with was the journey and how we successfully went through the hard parts
As someone who struggles with guilt, I could not imagine the level of remorse and guilt he had to pass. You don’t grow as much as he has without passing those elements and for that, my impression of Jay has increased dramatically. Not as an artist, but as a man. I feel much closer to him and his music now. Maybe it is because we are both Sagittarius or maybe it is because we have both experienced true and real growth, I am not sure. We are all works in progress, but I feel like I am closer to where he is on his journey (just without the millions and Bae, obviously).
Last weekend I was able to experience one of the most memorable concerts and overall events ever. I found myself on the floor of the 1936 Olympic Arena in Berlin, Germany surrounded by 80,000 people and Jay on stage. I was dissecting his authentic smile and swag to a degree that would scare most people. I remember him saying, “wow...wow...wow”. I found myself saying “wow” as well. I can only assume that his “wows” were due to him taking in the enormity of where he is on his journey or being amazed by the amazing venue. I was saying “wow...wow...wow” but for other reasons. Reasons that allowed me to reflect, be apologetic, and be thankful all at the same time.
I often contemplate (like a lot) how many people have judged me for being too extra or judged me correctly or incorrectly. I often wonder how many people I need to apologize to for not seeing them and hurting them. I stopped wondering how many people feel a certain way about me without knowing me. Thank you, Jay for not only creating “U Don’t Know” (which happens to be my personal anthem) but also for pushing me to want to smile and seem as authentically happy as you. I am working on it.
444
